Heather Ann Marchand, 35, of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, was tried by the Crown for five counts of public mischief and one count of possession of a switch blade. Marchand was the center of a 2014 investigation into five reports Marchand made to the police, alleging that she had either been attacked or raped. While Marchand now admits that the rapes and attacks did not happen, she disputes that she intentionally misled the police.
Over three-and-a-half months in 2014, Marchand reported to the police that she had, at various times, had her home broken into by a man that she fought off, that she had been tied to an oven, raped, and cut, that another man left her a note on a heart-shaped sticker and tried to rape her before she shot him, and that the same man tied her up to a truck and then ran away while calling her names. (TN: This bitch is crazy. Honest to goodness nuttier than squirrel shit)
After a six-week investigation into the crime wave that seemed to follow Ms. Marchand everywhere she went, the Edmonton police concluded that no crime was committed and the Crown brought charges against her. The investigation used 45 police units, 119 officers, 23 outside agencies, and 36 non-police officers.
Marchand took the stand in her own defense. She admitted that the events she described to the police never happened. She also justified her actions by noting that she is a single mother (RED FLAG), that she is an alcoholic (RED FLAG), and that she may have had “hallucinations and delusions” as a side effect of antidepressant medication she was taking (RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG! CRAZY BITCH SPOTTED! ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!)
“Deep down I feel these things are real and they still feel real to me,” said Marchand.
“There was a man in my home who did it,” she said. “In my head, there was another person there. He cut me up. He tied me up.”
Defense: “Your honor, while the events that my client reported to the police turned out to be completely false and her accusations lacked even a shred of merit, she should be found not guilty because she FEELS that it happened.”
Judge: “That’s all I needed to hear. Ms. Marchand, you are free to go with the Court’s deepest apologies. I’m also issuing a bench warrant for the immediate arrest and summary execution of your imaginary rapist.”
– Exerpt from A Criminal Case in a Feminist Utopia